Christopher Jayden Williamson was born in Lehigh Valley Hospital on November 12, 2007, at 10:35am. He was born at 21 weeks, 3 days. He weighed 1 pound and was 11 inches long. He lived on this Earth for 10 minutes, but he will live in mine and Kim's heart and mind forever. He is much loved and will always be remembered.
Christina was our miracle baby, but was miscarried at almost 9 weeks on August 6, 2008.
Please feel free to leave your thoughts. They are the only things we have left of our beautiful children and we appreciate them more than you know. Some people have told us that they feel "weird" leaving thoughts, or that their thoughts aren't good enough to leave on this page. Please don't feel that way. Understand that thoughts and well wishes are the only things we have left and they are cherished.
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Christopher has changed mine and his mother's life forever. We love you son and we will always miss you.
Christopher Jayden Williamson was born and passed away on November 12, 2007 in Lehigh Valley Hospital.
We went to Falk Funeral home to make arrangments for cremation. Dad picked out a piece of jewelry to wear that holds some of his cremains. The rest was put in a container that looks like a Tylenol bottle.
This day, Kim and I picked up our son from the funeral home. It was wet and cold that day. Pretty much how everyday will be for now on for us! On the radio played Lightning Crashes, by Live. The song we have playing here on our tribute to our son.
Dear Son,
I feel ashamed that I'm the one that started this website for you and I don't come here as often as I should! It is just so difficult. I'm crying right now and it doesn't get any easier. I'm sorry. Your Mother and I miss you so much. We talk about you everyday and wish you were here with us.
As you probably know, your Mother is pregnant. I've been asking you to help us so your Mother wouldn't have to go through all of those shots and whatnot of the IVF and I must thank you. Your Mother is pregnant without going through any IVF! You're going to have a brother or sister! I want you to watch over your sibling and take care of them.
I love you, son. I miss you more and more everyday. I think of you everyday, too. I am very sorry for not coming here as often as I should, but I will try to come here more often. I love you.
Love,
Daddy xoxo
I feel guilty for not writing sooner. I find it more and more difficult getting the will-power to just come to this website! This Spring is getting more difficult, too. I have to admit I'm very jealous of all the other parents out there that are walking with their children. Lately I've found myself breaking down more and more, but I think its because I'm home recovering from my surgery. Especially in the beginning, when I couldn't do much, but lay around. But, even now, I'm able to do some things around the house, but I still have a hard time! I have to go. This is getting too difficult right now. I miss you Christopher. I love you. Your Mom and I talk about you a lot and wish you were here with us. I know Punkin, Pogo, Bach, Barron, Fudge, all my parents cats and other pets are with you.
Love,
Daddy xoxo
Very early yesterday morning, (Sunday), our pet bird, "Punkin", died suddenly. We knew she was ill. She was ill since Feb. 12, 2008, (3 months to the day that we lost our son), but she appeared to have made a somewhat full recovery. Well, Saturday late afternoon she started to show signs of relapsing into her illness.(Renal failure). It was to the point she couldn't keep anything down after swallowing, even water. After taking her to Valley Central Animal Hospital, where they thought she developed an infection, later that night she died. It appeared to have happened suddenly, but we can't be sure. We had her in our bedroom at the foot end of the bed. I was lightly sleeping and I heard her moving in her cage. Nothing sounded unusual. I still got up out of bed to look at her. I noticed she was in a corner she usually goes to, but something was different. I couldn't see well without my glasses and some more light. I turned on the bathroom light, which is just enough to see with and not too much that it would disturb her if she was ok, and I grabbed my glasses off the dresser. That's when I noticed she was face-down in the corner of her cage under her seed dish. That spot isn't unusual, but for her to be face-down, was. I felt panicked. I was talking to her the whole time this was going on and she wasn't moving or chirping. I opened her door and picked her up. The instant I grasped her I knew she was dead. I cried hysterically. I so wanted her to meet you, son. I guess now she has. She will keep you warm and comfortable. She will snuggle with you and hang-out on your shoulder. She is as loyal as a dog. She is so loving, it's ridiculous. Son, now you have all of Mommy's and Daddy's pets to keep you safe and comfortable. My dogs, Barron and Bach will protect you and play with you. The cats will keep you warm and the birds, Fudge and Pogo, will keep you entertained. Punkin will keep you company and bathe with you, too. All of them and ones I fail to mention will all be with you until we meet. Until then, son, Mommy and Daddy miss you and love you so much. This week is supposed to be your due week. It's starting out to be very difficult, especially with the passing of Punkin. This house is extremely quiet, now. It should be noisy with the cries from you and the chirps from Punkin! It is not. That makes this that much harder! At least for me. Your Mommy and I are off from work this week, too. We don't know what we're going to do, except to grieve and search in ourselves for some answers and the ability to heal and the strength to move ahead. We love you, son. Watch over us and take care of Punkin and let her know we love her, too.
Love,
Mommy and Daddy xoxo
Dear Son,
I'm so sorry for not writing for a while. I think it's because I'm trying to avoid the pain. My birthday was last Friday and it wasn't very happy at all. I kept thinking of you and what happened back in November. You were suppose to be a March baby, just like your old man. It hurts deeply knowing that that's not going to happen! It was suppose to be the best birthday present a man could want. I wish I could fix everything. I miss you so much, son. It hurts so much when I think of you and what happened. Please forgive me for not rescuing and helping you when you needed me most. I'm sorry I let you down. Please forgive me. I love you so much.
Love,
Daddy
Its been a while since my last entry. Punkin's been sick and I haven't felt well, either. The whole time Punkin was sick made me relive those days in the hospital when Christopher was born. All those feelings came rushing back at me like a tidal wave. It's been rough. I have to thank Kim for her support in all of it. She really helped me out. If it wasn't for her, I think I'd still be a mess. What made it so bad, was Punkin got deathly ill three months to the day of Chris' birthday!
That's all for today. I miss you and love you, son. Watch over Mommy, Punkin, and I and all of our friends. You're always thought about by everyone.
Love,
Daddy
Today is one of my normal days off. Kim's left for school and I'm here with Punkin our bird. I try to go to this website at work when I get time. I look forward to seeing the new contributions. I guess it's because it's all I have of Christopher.
Things aren't too different for me now that I'm at work. Some days are difficult, they have their moments, and some days are pretty good.
There isn't a day goes by that I don't think about him. Kim's not looking forward to Spring, but I am. I think it's just cabin fever, though. I understand what she means, with baby birds and baby rabbits, small flowers, and of course, his due date is March 21st. That's in the beginning of Spring, so I see what she means. I also think that a change of seasons might do us some good. Spending too much time indoors isn't good, either. I guess we'll see what happens. Gonna go for now. I love you, son. Watch over your mother and comfort her the best you can. I miss you and love you so much.
Love,
Daddy
It's been a while since the last entry. Since then things have been going well. At least I think that. Kim and I don't cry as much as we used to. Although, mornings and nights are, and probably always will be, difficult. Last night we discussed what, when, or how we are going to disperse his ashes. We're thinking cruise, but it's going to be what ever we can afford. We went to therapy this morning and it seems to be going well, too. We don't see her 'till early January. We do have a Psych. doctor appointment after Christmas. Mine is at 7pm.
This time of year is very difficult for us to go through all of this. I see so much that I would have bought him for his first Christmas. Not much else to say, now. I love you, son. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. Please watch over us and you will always be in our hearts and minds.
Love,
Daddy
I woke up early this morning. I've been waking up early off and on, but mainly because I couldn't sleep anymore. Until recently, Kim's been waking up early because of nightmares. She's tells me she's doing better with that. I guess its my turn. I woke up this morning from a nightmare and after a few minutes of laying in bed, I just started to cry. It's as if, I see Kim starting to cope or heal and now I'm really starting to grieve. Since the beginning, I've been concentrating on her and didn't give myself the time "I" need to grieve. Maybe now that I realize that, I can take care of that before it's time to go back to work. I've got about 3 weeks before that happens.
Last night we went to the Candle Lighting for the local chapter of The Compassionate Friends. It was very nice, but oh so difficult. I almost lost it so many times. Kim and I couldn't believe how many people there were. There must have been at least 60-80 people! What else was nice was that I saw some familiar faces. Terry Gieger(?) and John Szabo from work were there. Two guys that I know and get along with.
Today Kim and I meet with the Psych. Doctor. It's getting to the point that I think "I" need some meds, now. We'll see. It could be the stress from last night washing away. Who knows. I love you and miss you, son.
Dear Son,
I would like to start by saying I love you very much and miss you just as much! There isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t think about you and all the things we could have done together. I’m surprised that I’ve been able to hold myself together as well as I have. There are times I break down and lose it, but your mother is there for me to regain my strength and composure. I tell her that I’m her Atlas and I’ll hold her up, but even Atlas gets tired and needs a break. Your mother has been fantastic to me and I appreciate her so much, too. You meant a lot to me and your mother.
The days leading up to your birth were very stressful and worrisome for us both. After we reached a certain point after the 1st trimester we started to relax because we thought it was just smooth sailing from that point. Don’t get me wrong, we were still walking on egg shells, but it seemed that things were looking up. Well, on November 8, 2007, we had an appointment for the level 2 ultrasound and we thought everything was going to be normal. When your mom’s friend put the ultrasound wand on her stomach, we saw on her face that something was wrong. She finished the scan and said that you were fine. There was something wrong with mom’s cervix! They then admitted your mom into the hospital and there I stayed with her by her side. Throughout the days leading up to your birth, I went home about 3 times, just to get supplies. (and cry) I cried and prayed each time and along the way home and back to the hospital, that you’d be alright and that everything would be ok. Unfortunately, my prayers weren’t answered. The Doctors told your mother and I that mommy had an infection and that she would die if they didn’t deliver you right away. So, late Sunday night/ early Monday morning, they induced labor. At this point in time, your mommy and I haven’t had much sleep. I was sleeping in a chair next to mommy’s bed. At about 10:30am your mommy yelled for me to wake-up and see what happening. She said she felt something. I looked and saw the top of your head coming out! I quickly stepped out and summoned for some help and came back into the room and went to your mother’s side and saw you born! I saw you come out of your mother and I started to cry. I was crying because I was happy and sad. Happy, because I saw that, in appearance, you were fine with no obvious birth defects and that it’s possible for your mommy and me to have children. Sad, because now I have to say good bye. Unfortunately, your lungs weren’t developed enough for them to do anything. We knew that you were going to die. We knew before you were born that that was going to happen. It absolutely broke our hearts. It made me feel helpless. I was angry that I couldn’t do anything. I feel like I let you down, son. I still feel that way today, and I’ll always feel that way. I’m learning how to cope with it, but I know it will never go away! Please understand though, I didn’t know what else to do. Please forgive me, son. I love you so much.
Later, on Friday of that same week, your mother and I went to the funeral home to make the arrangements for the cremation. I chose a piece of jewelry that holds some of your remains and then I had it engraved with your name and birth date and time. I will always wear it when I can.
Some of the things I had hoped we’d be able to do together was do a lot of fishing. I know that you would have enjoyed that. After all, you’re my son. I also would have introduced you to hunting and camping. I know you would have enjoyed the outdoors.
My father used to take me on fishing trips; we would have done the same. Montana, Colorado, Wyoming, just to name a few.
I also would have loved to have taken you to some hockey and football games. Just you and me. Son, I would have taken you anywhere you’d want to go! I also would have introduced you to all types of sports. Your mother and I would talk about it, and I would say, “My son isn’t going to play some wimpy sport like soccer!” Now, looking back, if it would bring you back, you could play anything you want. I miss you so much.
Son, I miss you so much it hurts. I still can’t believe that you are gone. I dream about you every night I go to bed. I daydream about you, too. I plan on planting a tree in the backyard in remembrance of you. I also plan on having a tree planted in your name in one of the Allentown parks. I also would like to do an honor ride for you and all the other babies and children that have died needlessly. I also want to set up a foundation in your name to help people like your mother and I who needed assistance with everyday things. I love you son and you’ll always be remembered.
Love,
Dad
“I am a father, but not the way it’s supposed to be!” – Chris Williamson
Just a little comment.
For about 2 hours or more I've been looking for a version of Ave Maria, free of course, off the web and I can't find one! It is now 10:45 pm and I'm going to give up for now. The best version I've found has been by a woman by the name of Christina England Hale. She did the version for the movie "Hitman". It's very powerful. It brings tears to my eyes when I look at Christopher and hear that song.
Enough for tonight. Kim already went to bed. I think I'll go, too.
Today, like most days since Nov. 12, have been filled with sadness and sorrow. Kim and I miss him so dearly. We keep wondering why he was ever taken from us? Who ever coined the phrase, "life isn't fair!", hit it right on the head! I get disgusted seeing or reading about people who don't care about their children. Kim and I both agree that those children would be better off with us!
Most of you who come to this web site know where I work, so you can imagine how hard it will be to go back to work. When I mention to the residents that it appears that they don't care about their kids or they wouldn't be in here, they spat back, " I couldn't let that %&^^%$# get away with that!" (referring to what put them there in the first place.) Plus, most of the same people know where Kim works and know that that won't be a walk in the park, either. She mentions the baby chime that goes off above her head! I just want to rip the speaker out of the wall! How inconsiderate of the Hospital!!
I guess that's enough for today and for my first real journal entry. Thanks for visiting and please leave a thought. Thanks, your support means a lot to Kim and I.
I started to build my Tribute to Christopher Williamson today.
Dear Son,
I'm sorry I don't visit this as often as I should. I find it difficult to do. I just want to leave a short thought with you today. I miss you and I love you so much. I'll write more later.
Love,
Daddy